Share Your Heart
That's the guidance I was given.
But how, and most importantly, how do I allow myself to share my heart? What are these old creaky impulses and instincts to keep it hoarded to myself, locked up behind heavy fortressed walls and thick oak doors?
An instinct so deep in me that I don't even remember how or when it sprung from. Always there, this instinct to clam up, just as my heart was starting to gently open, and let itself leak out. Just as I was about to flow and connect with others, or share something real and deep within me, WHAM, like a venus fly trap, it would snap shut, closed off to the world.
I saw myself walking into the bright light – so bright it should have blinded me, but it was kinder than that. This light enveloped me, protected me, healed me, and illuminated all my true, beautiful qualities, vanquishing all my diseased, misguided attributes. This light was pure love.
In this light I saw myself unzipping a suit I was wearing – heavy and old, and tattered and moldy and full of all kinds of infestations and chains. It was my ego, my wounds, my dense self that's stuck in this world. All the trappings of this physical-bound life. My fears, worries, shame, fear, etc. All those things like a 500-pound suit I've been wearing for years, with broken glass on the inside, cutting and burning me. I saw myself in one swift motion, just unzip it and cast it off me, simple as that.
I stepped forward, leaving that suit behind on the ground, crumpled and useless, like a crab's molten shell. A fresh, clean, light me stepped forward – just me. It was JUST ME – no baggage, no negative emotions, or past experiences to weigh me down. No influence from outside. Just me – pure light, in this pure form, stamped as I was for this life. Just that pure blueprint of who I am, and who I should be. It was like feeling myself for the first time in my life. Feeling for the first time as my true essence, and understanding how much I carry around that's NOT me, not even close. Like a sponge, I've taken so much on, but so little of it is really for me, or for me to pass along to others. So little feels like my true calling, or a service to others.
I asked God what He wills of me, what He would have me do. The answer was simple and profound: “Share your heart,” He said. “It's all people want from you and it's what you don't give them.”
That hit me. Of course. It's all I want to give, is my heart – but I've been conditioned to not give it. At least not freely. Not by my parents so much – while my father has a hard time connecting with his heart, it's only partly that. Our society does not teach us how to channel our hearts while protecting ourselves. Or rather, it's very scary to live from your heart and share your heart if you don't have faith to guide you and support you. Therefore, we learned to clam up, and not trust it was safe. The desire and instinct was there, but even when it is begged of me, I have such a hard time sharing it.
That's probably why I love the L.S. so much – polyamory. That is a place where I've been able to open my heart. There is a unique portal that can open when a new comet-like relationship is formed, that allows you to only share the best of yourself, and to see the best in someone else. It's a truly beautiful experience. Now I just need to carry that over into my regular, every day life.
To give my heart would mean I would feel free to express love, joy, peace, generosity, and all the things that are in me to express, without holding back. Without hindrance or self-criticism. To simply unblock my heart, and get out of its way. It would mean simply allowing it to do what it is meant to do. Undam the river. Let it flow as it will, it will do the rest. I don't even have to DO anything – I just have to stop HINDERING myself. Blocking myself up.
Isn't it amazing, that things a child does so naturally we have to relearn for the rest of our lives? To live as a child, with the playfulness, sincerity and open heart of a little one, and the wisdom of an old woman – now that would be the perfect balance. May I reach that place, even if just for a second.
Thank you, Jesus, for this guidance. Amen.