Sad
I don't know why I'm sad. Well, I do, but I don't. The obvious stuff – the surface stuff – is the heaviness and weariness I feel. The pain and suffering that comes with a physical ailment – in this case, gallstones and a UTI. Overall, it's that infections within me have gained the upper-hand, and have taken over my body. I didn't remember how bad this felt until now – it took me a minute to realize what was going on, because it had been so long.
Yes, it has been a while now – that's a good thing, because this state used to be a regular occurrence. So regular, it was a state of being. As far as I still have to go in my healing, at least I'm not at that point anymore. At least I can appreciate now that I HAVE made some progress, and things ARE moving. That's hard for me to see, because things seem to move so slowly, and I'm so impatient for reclaiming my life – if I ever had it.
It feels like I've worked all my life at being healthy, at being “right”. Getting the boat “right”. But I never seem to make it – if I do, it's very short-lived, or turns out to be an illusion, or both. I think I'm in my utopia and I wake up to cold, hard reality. Bam.
But there's obviously been something wrong from me from the start: my perception. I keep feeling like there was something wrong with me when I was young, some fatal flaw. And the harder I worked to eradicate it, to overcome it, the worse it got, and the harder it held on. Now, at 40 years of age, I feel like I'm at some kind of crossroads. Sure, I've been at many before, but this time it truly is different, because it just is. The whole world is blowing up right now. It would be impossible for me to think that it's just me.
But I think I'm finally understanding something about myself, even if I'm not changing it much yet: I sensed that there was something very off about me from the start, but what was off wasn't me, or something in me, it was my perception that something was wrong with me. Thus, this insidious pattern of repeating the cycle, chasing my own spiritual tail. My perception was like a bug planted into me – it is the true virus, bacteria, whatever that has caused me so much suffering all my life. Caused me to doubt myself to no end. Caused me to hate myself, and envy others for their perfect lives and easy way of moving through the world. Of course, I could portray a different perception from how I felt, but the perception of myself as inherently flawed or wrong somehow just stuck with me. It colored even my searching for freedom and truth. How do you know what is real until you FEEL what is real and true?
I feel I need one of those experiences, to remind me that I'm not that warped perception. Apparently, I had one the other day, but I couldn't feel it. Not enough to know. There are whole dimensions I'm suffering from not experiencing fully, yet I know I'm in them, I know they're there. It's just like I'm waiting for the bubble to pop, or the lights to come on, that screen to come up, and let me see where I REALLY am, and what is TRULY important and happening to me.
Well, that's all for now. But I'm sad, I'm tired, and I'm impatient. I need God and I need him now. But do I know how to let Him in? That's the question.
Amen.