Recovery
Recovery can take many forms. It can be something you work at for years, it could be something that you have to deal with over the course of a few hours, or minutes, or days. It can be a lifelong goal.
Today I am recovering. It feels like Day 2. Recovering from a busy workweek, followed by a busy weekend. Recovering from drinking. Recovering from being too rough on my body for the past number of months. About to hit the sauna to help with that. All I want to do right now is sleep. A good sweat will feel good, though. My brain feels like jello. My body is sore and tired, but not all bad. Mainly, I feel like I got hit by a truck. A truck I apparently threw myself in front of.
So this is what it feels like to be back here again. I'm personally recovering from who-the-hell-knows-what anymore. Too many diagnosis, too many twists and turns in my health history. And I don't think the name really matters so much, anyway, as getting to the heart of the issue does. For me, the heart of the issue is that I need to not take my progress for granted. It sometimes takes a big setback like this for me to appreciate how far I've come. Not that I'm set-back in a big way right now – just physically. But it's the kind of dumb hangover setback that I should know better than to have to be dealing with at this stage. But that's okay – I'm testing my boundaries, and I've been knowing for awhile that I needed to get back into cleansing and to take it seriously again. Sometimes you need to feel shitty to remember why you're doing right by yourself, in the first place.
So today I had the day off (thank God) but haven't been able to do more than a few loads of laundry, plus the dishes. Now this – I'm not missing a day anymore. But of course I wanted to do so much more. It's okay if I need a day to recover. I'm okay giving myself that day now. That's all good. But I hate knowing I did this to myself. I hate this particular KIND of rough feeling.
But oh well – the only way to make it worthwhile is to learn from it. And that, I am. So maybe next time I'm tempted to go out and drink heavy or think that I need to experiment – like it's worth the time or the emotional and physical capital – I can just come back and read this entry and realize, no, no I don't. I can skip on that. Hopefully this will be the start of a much deeper, better trend for me. That's the hope, anyway.
Ah, recovery. Aren't we all recovering from something or other? Of course, there's recovery from drugs and alcohol, gambling and sex, etc. Those are the ones easy to spot, or easy to judge or shove into a box and feel other than, better than. I used to see myself that way – different and better from those dealing with some kind of substance abuse. But it's not true, not at all. Turns out I'm just as much an addict as any one in a rehab center or an AA meeting, or anyone who's on their way down to rock bottom but hasn't hit it yet.
What is my addiction? Many things. I need to feel okay – I need permission to be myself. I am addicted to comfort. I get addicted to love and chemical passion and big muscles pressed up against my body, our sweat running together. I am addicted to chocolate and sugar and self-loathing and perfectionism. I am addicted to the word “should” and of not feeling enough for anybody or anything. Imposter syndrome. I am addicted to sunlight and heat and coffee. I am addicted to the idea that I'm never beautiful enough, never sexy enough, never anything enough for the world. Even if someone is telling me to my face, from the heart, that they find you beautiful, the addict in me is telling me that it can't be true – they're just being nice, or putting you on, etc. It simply can't be true. Don't believe it, or the joke's on you.
So many things we can get addicted to in this life, in a world that is creating new “needs” and new ways of fulfilling those needs every day. All I want is to feel that I'm well on the way to recovery. At least KNOW that God has my back, and know that I'm mostly not engaging in stupid self-destructive behavior anymore. That would be a good start.
For today, I'm just looking to recover today. Until I have to go back to work tomorrow, up early and at-em. Before the next party, and next series of choices I'll have to make about it – how much I want to be free of my addictions, and how much I'll give into them.
For now, though, time to hit the sauna. Let's sweat some of this regret out, and start fresh with a new day tomorrow.
Amen.