Light and Dark
They swirl together, yet so far apart. How could I be so happy in my sanitized bubble, while true evil exists and destroys from within and without? How do I balance this churning cauldron of forces within me?
I see more evil – it has less control over me, with every extra watt of light shone on it. But it is still overwhelming. It is so pervasive, and so tricky, secretive, and manipulative. It can hide and present itself as friend or foe. I am left to constantly question within myself what is real evil, what is laziness or just my own human folly, and what is something else.
How to tease apart something that is so interwoven into my life, and all our lives, so much more than I could ever imagine. The dauntingness of it all – seeing the world exposed more and more every day. Seeing with new eyes, and sensing the true vibration behind things, rather than their overt physical nature and blatant existence.
My journey to keep myself steadfast and true within it all has just begun. It is one thing to become aware of evil – truly aware, and to let go of childish fantasies of only good in the world – and it is another to know how to navigate it both within my own soul and without. The within is harder, of course – that's where, like some patch surgically implanted into my heart, is fused so tightly with my own flesh and energy that I must painstakingly tear it out or gently pull it out, millimeter by millimeter over days and days. How much evil do we absorb and spit back out into the world? How much does our pain and trauma inform our decisions moving forward?
My life has been relatively soft – easy and delicate. Priveledged. But I still know how hurt can transform into evil within us – a monster that grows and feeds off of pain, rather than killed by it. A monster that wishes to inflict pain, rather than heal or even relent, and die. It's all about breaking the cycle – taking what life has to give you, and making difference choices. Become concious that you ARE making choices.
Despite the ease of my own life, I realized recently that I am just as much a bully and a tyrant to my husband – and others – as I have been victim to by others (namely, my father and husband). I have been the smelly orger with smelly feet, stomping around and crushing others' feelings with my own. I have been the one to fear, and dance around, just as much as I felt I was having to walk on eggshells for others. My own resentment and justification at feeling wronged so quickly turned to a zero-fucks-given attitude that allowed me to exercise false power – what felt like power – being a bully and a tyrant. Letting the villagers fear my wrath and quake in terror at my presence, waiting to see if I would be merciful or not. I liked having them in the palm of my giant, warty hand – like having them at the mercy of some terrible storm, I had the power to spare them or wreak havoc in their lives.
That's the anger. The evil. The hate. The pain. Lurking in the dark, damp dungeon of my soul, chained to the wall and locked behind bars, it grew and festered on the fetid air of resentment and revenge. It would wait patiently for lifetimes if it just had that one chance at destroying a village – blasting it all with fire. Just to release that inner rage, just once.
That's the power of hate. Of self-hate, especially.
But if I were to take that monster out into the open air, let it squint its eyes and eventually get used to the bright light of the sun, and the fresh air, it might not be so angry. It might relax and be less ornary. It might lose some of the mold and fungus on its skin, and feel better, and even lose its scaly skin for some kind of soft skin or fur. It might transform, as all things do, in the light. Or I might just see it differently, and see it is just a gecko, and nothing to fear. That given what it needs, it will take care of itself and leave me and others alone.
It seems the best way to fight evil – within and without – is to simply expose it to the light. You can't fight it in the dungeon, where it lives and thrives. You must expose it to the light the bright, and the good. Only then will you have a chance. Otherwise, there are no rules – they are all His and they are there to be broken.
Saturate your life in Light, and let God do the heavy lifting. You can't fight evil yourself, anyway – it's way out of your league. You can just channel the light, and pray for deliverance for yourself and mankind.
Will the light ever win? I don't know, but there is no choice but to align with it, and live within it. To not live in the Light in no life at all – it belongs to someone/something else.
So here's to the light in your life – may it outshine the darkness at every turn. In the glorious sunshine, even the most vile of creatures can seem harmless, or shirk away in its power. Some things cannot tolerate the light, but we can.