JCVD
I've been obsessed with Jean-Claude Van Damme this week. Going back and watching those old movies I saw as a kid: Bloodsport, Kickboxer, Double Impact, Universal Soldier. It takes me back to those years as a kid. It also just fascinates me – his story. His rise and fall, then rise again. Redemption.
I can laugh at the “it's so bad it's good” qualities to his films, and all the great 80's qualities. But I'm really just amazed at his beauty – I was too young to appreciate it at the time, just how damn HOT he was. Physical perfection. An outstanding athlete – that mix of grace and power, that you get combining dance with more “masculine” sports, like the martial arts. That same special combo that Patrick Swayze had: power and grace. Masculine and feminine. Sensitive and powerful. All perfectly balanced. Humility and confidence. Heinously good looks, and physical conditioning that you only get from years of hard work and diligent training. No CGI, no stunt doubles, no stand-ins. Just hard work and good genes, and pure charisma flying off the screen.
I actually like JCVD better in interviews, because he's more natural, being himself. Acting was never his strong suit, but I never realized what a charming personality he had – even cute, and sweet. That may have changed over the years, with the fame and the money (which are strong drugs, I'm sure), and definitely after the cocaine came in. Still, I know better than to judge a man like him on that habit alone. On his mistakes alone. I still look in his eyes, in any interview, any movie, and see a beautiful, sensitive soul and a kind man who worked hard to follow his dreams, and achieved them. The world held more than he could have known. Certain doors don't open until you succeed. Like a video game, you aren't even shown the next level until you can beat the one you're on now.
No idea where I'm going with all of this, except JCVD is a former idol of mine – or, at least, hearthrob of mine. It's fascinating to come back to him now and see him a new at this time and age, looking back at him when he was young, and to see how he fell, and what he did to pick himself back up. I have nothing but respect for that. I don't know what he may be been like to live with, but anyone going through hell is already suffering as much as one can suffer. To then be in the public eye while it's happening, and to have millions of people to judge you who never met you – that's a whole other level of torture. Who can understand that? Very few people know what it's like to be that famous. As much as he wanted it, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I certainly would never want to be that famous.
But he has so much positive on screen, too. Hopefully he can look back at himself on screen – in interviews and in movies – and see when he was starting to slip, or in the thick of it, and show himself some compassion. Hopefully he can forgive himself for the mistakes he's made. Hopefully he feels now that he HAS done something on this earth. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel he's done a great deal, and he's probably punishing himself too much to think otherwise.
I also understand that he has bi-polar disorder, and didn't have it diagnosed for many years. I can't understand the strain that would place on someone, either. A benefit, to be sure, when you're in show business and need to work 18-hour days, on action films, no less. Or to be an athlete, or a self-promoter. To grind at that early stage of his life. Must have been helpful, when up. But when you're down, what do you do? You just wait for the mojo to come back? JCVD said that if he didn't work out for a few days he would get down – so would he be as amazing as he is now if training wasn't such powerful therapy for him? He seemed to start karate to build his physical strength, but he seemed to find his own therapy early in life. A natural one.
The cure for the rest? Hollywood, life, relationship issues, drug addiction, fame, aging, shitty people? Who knows. God. I can't think of any other possible solution.
So I'll end with this: Jean-Claude Van Damme, I love you, flaws and all. I love your gorgeous body and face when you were young, but I love your beautiful soul and heart even more, and the courage you showed in your 2008 film JCVD, bearing your very soul to the world in that beautiful, heartwrenching monologue. So lovely to hear you speaking in French, too – for as amazing as your English is for learning it late in life (and that's not easy!), I just honor your courage and your generosity in giving your true self to us in that film, and in other ways, all these years. Even if I laugh during some of your films, I am never laughing at you – I am laughing at so many things, but never you. And yes, while I want to objectify you and soak in your perfect body and luscious face for hours, the thing that brings me back to you now is your soul and your life journey. I somehow see myself in you now – or at least, I am touched in how you allow us to see into you, now. You bring yourself to our level, and share what you have to share.
Would I have the courage to do the same, if I were in your shoes? I don't know. I hope so, but I don't know. What is it like to be on the best ride of your life, for years, to have it crash and burn? I don't know. But I do know that your soul was beautiful then, and it is beautiful now. Thanks for letting us share the ride with you, JCVD. Thanks for sharing your true self with us – and with it, I hope it has provided you with some redemption, some sense of confession and relief.
May God be with you, JCVD. Bless you. Amen.