I Love You, JCVD
I'm here writing again. Because I'm doing this every day. Because I'm not going to break it again. All I want to do is sleep. That will be the case soon enough. For now, though, time to write. I procrastinated. Now this is what I get. I have to stay awake to make it happen.
A Wednesday. Nothing much to report. I'm still fighting the old fight – me vs. fatigue. How to beat the fatigue. How to get through the day in one piece. If an addict was waiting for that next drink – waiting for 5 o'clock to come so she could pour herself that first glass of wine – then I'm like a sleep addict, waiting for that moment in the afternoon when I can finally get home and take a nap.
It's not as serious, I know, but I do tend to be obsessed with sleep. I'm always tired. But especially now, as I taper down my caffeine and while I'm not feeling well. Gallstones. Felt like shit for a few days. Getting better now, but still on the mend. So no wonder I'm extra tired. But I just need for me to get better. I need to find the prayers in my heart that will remind me that everything is going to be okay – everything is beautiful.
Man, I just emerged from the rabbithole of more JCVD interview videos. Saw one where he was interviewed on some telemarathon or something, and they treated him like a dancing monkey. Not much respect. He was super-generous, too, and heartfelt. He was game for the things they threw his way, did what they asked, and even answered a rude question about “have you ever done drugs”. He just answered it straight-up, “Everyone in this room knows the answer to that question,” and “Yes, but so what,” and went on to give some advice. He seems not quite himself in that interview, like he was still on something, or fighting that fight, but I have so much love and respect for JCVD for his humanity, bravery, and beautiful soul. He was the guest on a show, in front of millions of people – live, it seemed – and they were ready to humiliate him. When he's vulnerable and still being very gracious and kind to the hosts, fans, and everyone. Just makes you realize how much people will take from you, and ask of you, and the second you slip just a little bit (as if they never make mistakes in their lives) they're all on you like vultures, or pointing and laughing at you. That literally happened in this interview – JCVD was dancing with a beautiful woman – a very sexy dance – and he got hard. He tried to hide it, but everyone else was laughing and the host was evening pointing at it. So cruel. You want a monkey to dance, and then you want to make fun of him. JCVD shone through every time, as far as I'm concerned. I'm so glad to see the other comments, too, saying what a beautiful person he is. At the end of the interview he was introduced to a 5-year-old boy who had some kind of medical issue. JCVD showed him true compassion, tenderness, and love. It's beautiful. Many could play at that, but not many would be so generous and straight from the heart as he was/is. That's what I'm falling in love with – the man that he truly is. The beautiful spirit that he is. Growing up I knew Van Damme as the action star, the kick-ass martial artist. The icon. But now I have the pleasure of getting to know him as a real person – his ups and downs- and his true beauty inside. He always had it, and it kept shining through – at least during interviews – during his dark moments.
Even two other favorites of mine – Graham Norton and Jeff Goldbloom – were making fun of him, calling him “coo-coo” and “Bonkers”. That made me sad. Even people who are sensitive and who would be considered weird or crazy by others are making fun of someone who has deep, deep sensitivity. That made me sad.
So watching all these interviews, from the start of JCVD's career to this year, gives me inspiration – that is how a brave soul who is trying to do right in this world lives in a place of fame. In the limelight, at a terrible, dangerous height. As a human, he is winning, he is pure gold. I wish others could see it. Many do – many people love him, and say so, I think for the same reasons.
In his 2008 film JCVD he said this in his monologue: “It's hard for me to judge others, but easy for others to judge me,” easy to blame me – or something like that. So sad but true. Those who wish to be their best selves or not judge others often have to deal with terrible judgment from others. The more he is judged, it seems, the kinder and more humble, and sincere he gets. He waxes philosophical. If people want to make fun of that, then they are missing the true essence of life. They are losing. They are defeating themselves.
I respect you, JCVD. I admire you. I love you. Thank you for being you, and for sharing your heart with the world. God bless you, JCVD.