Here Again
Here I am again. On a Sunday, cool and damp in October, in Wisconsin. Was on the couch most of the day, hungover from the workweek and from a nice night out. Spending time out of the house on a Saturday evening, at a party, feels so taboo these days. And so refreshing. Especially this party – a Halloween party. A lifestyle party. Or, as more commonly thought of, as a swingers' party.
True, it was a swingers' party, but not like you might think. Not people hooking up and getting busy in the joint. Maybe there were some hookups – we had a couple over, but nothing happened, other than some talking. Which is great. We'd much rather build friendships than just hook-up one time. Though hookups can be great, too.
To be honest, I find myself jonesing for the kind of hookup I had 5, 6 years ago now – the kind where the physical and energetic attraction is immediate and potent. Under the lubrication of some alcohol, and in a safe environment where everyone is anonymous and the vibe is right, you for once can just act on your impulse, on your attraction. You are attracted to someone, and you can dance with them. Your husband/boyfriend isn't going to care, or make a scene. His wife/girlfriend isn't going to mind, either – in fact, she's going to come and start coming on to you. You're going to kiss while her husband is dancing on you from behind. It's the stuff of fantasy, and ease. It so rarely happens like that – that you then click as a foursome, and head a few flights down to your hotel room, and get at it. You don't have to be quiet, because your husband is cool with it and his wife is cool with it – they're having their own good time, and are happy to hear you having one, as well. You don't have to worry about what time it is, or that your neighbors are sleeping, because everyone in the hotel is doing the same thing you are, hopefully: hooking up. You hear folks in other rooms fucking and shouting and moaning and it's just delightful. It's frigid outside – New Year's in Chicago – but inside it's hot as can be.
I'm barely out of bed for a second just to get a drink of water when he comes after me again, fully erect and ravenous with desire. It's like he can't even wait for me to come back to the bed – he has to touch me immediately. To be desired so powerfully is definitely the strongest aphrodisiac there is. It's definitely one of the strongest drugs I've even been on – probably the strongest. I would go to such lengths to find that same feeling again in the future – that high of that moment. Being completely liberated and free to let my full passion and voice ring out in the night. Pure exhilaration – doing whatever felt good, and having it be accepted and appreciated by the other partner.
And he was generous in proportions, too – thick and sturdy, a little taller than me, and generous in the other way, too, it was a delicious contrast to my own sexy but compact husband. A different body, different experience. And while his wife was beautiful, fit, and very sexy, I had a different body from her, too – something he could perhaps appreciate. While I was self-conscious about my weight, being a little big or chunky, he said I had a perfect body. What. Not just a nice body, but a perfect body. Shit. My ego took to that like a first hit of cocaine. I was hooked. The positive side of it was his sincerity, and openness, vulnerability. That allowed me to let my guard down, as well. That allowed me to cradle his head in my arms, laying on my chest, as if we were long-lost lovers. A break in between the passion and intensity. Some tender, gentle words spoken – insecurities we both needed soothed, words we each needed so desperately to hear, spoken to each other at just the moment when our souls could take them in, and BELIEVE them. Intimacy as if we had been lovers and best friends for years. Just hours (or less) after meeting each other. I would find out later that he had had his eye on me the night before, at the previous night's party. But I didn't know that at the time. I was busy hooking up with another, gorgeous man.
Hook-up still feels vulgar for those two occasions, as we would go on to meet and make love with these beautiful couples again. We had hoped to be friends over the long-range, but it wasn't meant to be. One couple split up – the husband I've considered texting for a fun hook-up again – the other couple is still together but a few states away, and busy. But other things came into play there, too.
All-in-all, it's amazing the intimacy and comfort you can feel with relative strangers. It's also strange how with others you can be on friendly terms for so long but never break through to that next level, even if the desire and willingness is mostly there.
I guess I'm just enjoying a new level of maturity and growth, but also missing the fireworks of those first highs. I'm chasing the dragon – it will never be what it was like the first time, but that won't stop me from searching for it, longing for it. I literally lost a night of sleep to those lusty thoughts. If it's that powerful of a drug for me, still, then I definitely need to be on my guard.
In two more weeks, there will be another Halloween Lifestyle party. Until then, I can do some thinking and planning. Until then, I can assess those past highs and lows, and thank God I've learned from them, and hopefully am a wiser person now.
But I'd still love that fuck-buddy. I'd go for it in a second, if the opportunity arose. What that tells me about me, I'll have to investigate.
Peace and love.