Friday
Yeay, it's Friday. And I have a UTI. And yeast infection. And gallstones. Or something. Good things come in threes, or so I've heard – so maybe the same is true with bad things.
The good thing is this is the first time I've felt this way in a while. I actually forgot what a gallstone felt like (as if I could forget, but apparently I can) – it took me a few days to realize what it was, even with all the classic symptoms. I woke up early one morning with a sharp pain in my right shoulder blade. I asked myself: did I just sleep wrong? As if I hadn't had that exact same symptom a number of times before – crazy!
And it took me a minute to realize that I had a UTI, as well. Not that I'm going to get antibiotics for it. Fuck that noise. I've taken enough antibiotics in my life to kill a walrus. I'm trying to rebuild my digestive flora from all that destruction.
So sometimes to you have to fall back – really fall back – to realize how far you've come. The climb back up is annoying and painful and tiresome, but you know you'll be just fine. This time, I know I'm not alone. That's a big difference. I just need to know it even MORE to REALLY start to understand, and heal from all that ails me – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
JCVD (yes, him again) said in his film of the same name that he wanted to get his health back. I feel like I never had my health to lose. Or, at least, not since I was a kid. Maybe until I was in my mid-teens, maybe that would be considered 'healthy'. But after age 17, it definitely all went downhill, and fast. I shrank and shriveled up, turning into an old woman physically as I was supposed to be growing into a young woman. I lost my period from about the age of 17 to the age of 23. Maybe some spotting, but that's it. I was wasted. That period that JCVD may have encountered, of feeling wasted physically, mentally, spiritually, was how I felt in my formative years. I was always envious of people like him: from the outside, it seemed like he had it all – great looks, charm, great body, athletic prowess, and ambition and confidence. Pretty soon, he DID have it all: the body, the looks, the health, the money, the women, his dream career, etc. But even at the top, it wasn't enough for him. And even then, he still suffered.
Then, as he plunged down into his spiral, it really got tough. And then he really suffered. It was after that period that he said he felt wasted. That he needed to get his health back. The looks had faded – he aged fast in those years he partied hard. But he still had so much, even if he felt he lost so much.
I might count myself lucky: to have grown up in a 'wasted' body, mind, and spirit. At least the body part. Never feeling able to live my full potential, never feeling desired or beautiful, never feeling capable of achieving – or even naming – my dreams. To toil in less extremes, but in one constant, long drudge for years in that wasted body. Perhaps in the end, I'm the lucky one, because while I never had the high highs he had, I also didn't have the low lows. I mean, I've had some very low points, but I never had as far to fall – on the matter of fame, looks, reputation, athletic ability, etc. To be that physically perfect, and to loose it, through age and poor choices – that never seem like poor choices at the time, or at least not that big of a deal – must be just tortuous. Maybe I'm the lucky one, to be feeling almost better than I did in my 20's, and certainly in most of my 30's. I'm actually improving in some ways with age.
I still love and respect JCVD so much, but because he is so humble and open and generous with sharing his journey, it makes me realize that while he was lucky in some ways, I may be lucky in others. We're all given our burdens to carry, and why I have mine and he has his we can never know. That is up to God to know.
With that, I'll say thank you, God, for MY good luck, and God Bless you, JCVD, for sharing yours with us – the world. Amen.